How it all began before that ...

So why is Pool Boy not contributing to the household income, much?

It goes back to the mid nineties. He was laid off from his job from a multi-national after a number of years of downsizing. He had been expecting it would come eventually and so was proactive about getting his real estate license ahead of time. He had tried to practice part-time when he was employed but that just wasn't practical, especially with a growing family to raise.

He put his license on hold until he was eventually laid off. Then he resurrected it and started practicing a bit, while also being at home quite a bit, raising our kids. We were going through a rough time with the teenage years, and felt it was best if he was around the homefront, especially since I had a busy high stress job.

This worked well, but we really did miss the additional income. He decided to pursue further education in the real estate field, which has kept him busy but really hasn't resulted in increased business.

Eventually, frustrated with the single income, I went after an even higher paying job and was successful. I felt this would compensate while he was developing and growing his business.

Since that time he seems to spend inordinate amounts of time on household things, paperwork etc. Not really the priorities that I want him to be working on. When he is working his business he is really successful. His clients love him and he has had lots of repeat business, but let's face it, you only get out of real estate what you put into it. I have asked him a number of times, would he prefer to work in full time employment or something else and he says no.

I feel I've been more than patient and supportive while he tries to find what he wants to do. Now he is battling severe back pain and is waiting for further tests that will likely lead to surgery, if we can ever get that scheduled. Yet more delays.

In the meantime he is a terrible money manager. Penny wise and pound foolish. He won't spend money on quality things, but will waste it in gas driving all over town to pick up this and that. He leaves TV's on in rooms with no one watching. I have spoken to him about these habits numerous times.

My resentment is building. I feel like a mother more than a wife. I don't want to have to nag. I'm feeling very overburdened with responsibility. My job continues to be challenging and stressful and while I love it, there have been times recently where I've felt too stressed and contemplated going on short term leave, however this would result in lower pay, something that we can't afford right now. It's expensive with two kids in college and a mortgage still to pay.

I charge my oldest daughter who is working full time, a small amount of rent, she's living at home still, but won't be too much longer. I've suggested to my husband that he look into renting out our son's room to generate extra income. It's the least he can do if he's not working to his full potential.

He's been wonderful in helping my Dad to sell his house and move etc. He's not a lazy person. Just misdirected. I really don't know how to wake him up anymore. I'm really worried about the impact this is having on our marriage. We've tried counselling but it hasn't really helped. The counsellor asked me (privately) if I felt taken advantage of and I said, yeah, I guess I do.

I just want him to do what he needs to do to shift the balance back to a more normal position so that I don't feel just like a caretaker. I want to get my mojo back and feel more like his partner and wife again, not his mother, caretaker, sugar mama, whatever.

So any words of wisdom to share with me internets? I'm all ears.


Bob-kat said...

Hi. I empathise, I really do! I had a similar experience with my ex-hubby (yep - my answer was to separate!) and I have a friend at the moment who is going through exactly the same thing as you and confides in me. It seems to me that he is happy for you to take the responsibility. Somehow you have to make him understand things from your point of view but I'm afraid I don't have any answers :-( Silly question - but have you told him exactly how these things make you feel? Apparently it's best to use specific examples. Hope this helps!

Tug said...

I wish I had something...anything.

Maybe his pain is scaring him? Maybe he's gotten real comfy in his role, and is afraid of going back into the real world, for fear of failure? I don't know...but I wish you the best, & can totally understand why you're so frustrated. Know I'm here... with ((hugs)) & prayers.

mar said...

This is pretty much my parents' story... They are still together because the didn't know any better and in those years you married for life. I don't sense any love in that relationship nowadays and it hurts. I can only empathize and hope the best for you, hope love is still around.(( Hugs))

Goofy Girl said...

I don't really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to give you a hug, it sounds like it is really hard. :(

Carol said...

My husband doesn't read my blog either (if it's any consolation to you)...at least that what he tells me and I'm pretty certain he doesn't. There are times when I wish he would because he would learn things about me that aren't always easy to share.

That said, I just don't think he's a touchy-feely person like I am and for that reason, I mistake his trust for apathy.

I know he loves me and shows it everyday in different ways....I hope you and your hubby find those same feelings again.

I wish you much luck and pray you both find your ways back to one another.