WOW!

Worldwide Marriage Encounter

It is fantastic!

I'm sorry that I have not been back blogging yet. I just wanted to give a little update that all is swell!

Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts, empathies, prayers and encouragements. It really feels good to know that you are concerned for me.

We need some more time to focus on ourselves and what we have learned and practise the concepts with the tools we have been given.

It feels great. I feel like a new honeymooner again.

I can't say enough good about WW Marriage Encounter weekends. If you ever get the opportunity, I would encourage you to take it up. It is even better for good marriages. You will definitely gain something from it.

It is not just for Catholics. It is for any religion and it is offered in about 80 countries worldwide. I think I recall that Spain and Belgium were the first countries that had it around 1969. The first city it was offered in Canada in was Ottawa in 1973.

I haven't had time to look at the websites above, but they're there for your perusal.

Again, thank you so much for your comments. I feel really blessed to have a supportive Internet network including yourselves.

Changes

Further to my last post today, which was getting kind of long, here is what is new and positive in my life. My little secret blogged about in my TT this week is at the end.

I said, get some income coming in by renting out our son's room. He will be staying away for the summer with his gf in the town he goes to college at. I gave him the contact to get information about how to advertise the room for rent to university coop students. He has done that. The student arrives April 28th for four months. We will try this out. If it works out well we will continue. I'm happy about this step forward.

He has a date for his back surgery, May 7th. Regular readers of my main blog know this. This is so good. It's a long recovery, but it's a step in the right direction. No more excuses after that. I feel hopeful about this.

I worry that the date may be rescheduled because the surgeon is also doctor for the Ottawa Senators and yay they just won the first round of playoffs last night! He said he set the surgery date, around the playoffs but what if they win the next round? Is it possible that the surgery may be bumped? I'm hanging on by a thread here people. How can something as small as this make such a significant impact on my life ... or so it feels.

I've asked him to look up the schedule and see what the possibilities are. This has not happened. I guess I need to do this myself.

I plan to take off some time when he is home from the hospital. Hopefully I can combine this with more house project tackling. Also, my daughter, who is studying to become a nurse, will be helpful to us during this period. I will try to coordinate schedules with her.

In an effort to try to control our costs more, I have been taking my lunch to work. It doesn't sound like a big deal but it is to me. I hate making my lunch. I am not a lazy person. Just about some things. I put so much into the other things I do, that doing something so boring as making my lunch is enough to throw me off the deep end. Yes, very weird. So, we have been buying the frozen lean cuisine or lasagne dinners. He finds them in the freezer and throws them into a bag with an apple and banana and that's my lunch. I appreciate this very much. It sounds stupid I know. Even having to dig through the freezer to find the dinners throws me off the deep end. Probably a result of so many years of built up resentment. Anyhoo, this works for us and makes me happy. Feel free to throw virtual rotten tomatoes now.

So the best thing, or I hope it will be, is that we are going to a marriage encounter this weekend. That is my little secret. I have been begging for him to do this for years now. This year was different. I didn't beg. I brought it up. He did not respond. A huge fight ensued and I said forget it. This marriage encounter is only for people with good marriages and we don't qualify. He said that he wanted to go. I said, well if really want to go then prove it by looking into it and arranging it. I'm not doing anything.

So he did. It's through our diocese. It seems to be really well run. There's no cost, only freewill contributions towards the cost at the end of the weekend where they share how much it costs them to put it on. People are expected to pay based on their own financial abilities. It's at a local inn starting tonight, Friday, to Sunday late afternoon. I hope it is good. I've heard good things about it. We could use something good. I will blog about it afterwards.

If you are inclined, please pray for us.

A wee update

It has taken me a long time to get back to this blog for a few reasons, namely:

- he read it
- generally things are still the same, but there are a few small things that have happened which are moving us forward which is good and I will go into in the next post.

First point - I was shocked. After begging him to read my blog for the last year which apparently he never did, he ended up on this one. Not sure what to believe. Was he actually reading it but not letting on?

Blogging was my new found joy, something that made me a little happier, let me play and use humour and didn't cost any money. You now, like shopping therapy. I don't do that anymore because we're watching our costs. I also wanted to use blogging as a form of therapy to vent, in a reasonable way. We can't vent about our jobs too much, nor really personal life issues, but sometimes there are things that we can write down, and feel better getting it out in the process.

I must admit, even getting some hugs and suggestions on this blog has helped me. It feels good to know that I'm not alone. Sometimes I would share these things with my Mum but I can't anymore. I miss her so much. That was another reason for blogging. I have shared with my friends, it helps a bit too, but sometimes things that are so personal you don't want to share with people in real life. It almost helps doing it to people that you don't know, except through the internet. Do you know what I mean? Thanks for your support, internets.

Yet he found no joy in my new habit. He would complain about it constantly. Said I was spending too much time at it. I would try to talk to him about something funny I read or wrote and he would passively listen but not much more. I felt unsupported yet again. And no where to turn.

I tried to cut back but felt lost. What else was I to do with my little bit of spare time? I continue to work very hard at a demanding job so when I come home I'm beat. I tried to focus a bit on the house. Short term feel good but no joy overall. Just further feelings of resentment. Also because I didn't have enough time to do things to my level of satisfaction (yeah I am a bit of a perfectionist), I never really felt that good about it, except for over Christmas, where I had time to focus on it more. A little bit of 'woe is me' there so please feel free to tell me off if you think I'm being a big baby.

So I continued to blog. He never read it so sharing with him became pointless. I started this blog and just as I was warming up to get me real worries and concerns down, he emails me, telling me he saw this and we should prepare to separate.

WTF?

That's not what I want. I want him to work and make money. To be able to hire a housekeeper again. To be able to take vacations instead of staying home and cleaning for my vacation. I want to get our marriage back to what it was which was wonderful. I can't do it on my own.

First I was really annoyed to find out he read this. Really, really, really annoyed. Really.pissed.off. How can he, after so long of ignoring my repeated requests for a number of things to change, to share with me something that makes me happy, when pretty much everything else (it feels) these days is making me sad?

He says he came across it while looking for my email address to send me some pictures of the dog or something. Like I believe that. I'd like to but I can't. Trust is broken. I feel like the stupidest person because at first I wanted to believe that. He said he is not reading my blog anymore because it is too hurtful. Yah, so what. I couldn't care one way or the other at this point. He doesn't share in the joy of it with me so him reading it or not is dead to me.

The bottom line is things have to change. If they don't then we will deal with that. I hope they do. More on what has changed so far next.

How it all began before that ...

So why is Pool Boy not contributing to the household income, much?

It goes back to the mid nineties. He was laid off from his job from a multi-national after a number of years of downsizing. He had been expecting it would come eventually and so was proactive about getting his real estate license ahead of time. He had tried to practice part-time when he was employed but that just wasn't practical, especially with a growing family to raise.

He put his license on hold until he was eventually laid off. Then he resurrected it and started practicing a bit, while also being at home quite a bit, raising our kids. We were going through a rough time with the teenage years, and felt it was best if he was around the homefront, especially since I had a busy high stress job.

This worked well, but we really did miss the additional income. He decided to pursue further education in the real estate field, which has kept him busy but really hasn't resulted in increased business.

Eventually, frustrated with the single income, I went after an even higher paying job and was successful. I felt this would compensate while he was developing and growing his business.

Since that time he seems to spend inordinate amounts of time on household things, paperwork etc. Not really the priorities that I want him to be working on. When he is working his business he is really successful. His clients love him and he has had lots of repeat business, but let's face it, you only get out of real estate what you put into it. I have asked him a number of times, would he prefer to work in full time employment or something else and he says no.

I feel I've been more than patient and supportive while he tries to find what he wants to do. Now he is battling severe back pain and is waiting for further tests that will likely lead to surgery, if we can ever get that scheduled. Yet more delays.

In the meantime he is a terrible money manager. Penny wise and pound foolish. He won't spend money on quality things, but will waste it in gas driving all over town to pick up this and that. He leaves TV's on in rooms with no one watching. I have spoken to him about these habits numerous times.

My resentment is building. I feel like a mother more than a wife. I don't want to have to nag. I'm feeling very overburdened with responsibility. My job continues to be challenging and stressful and while I love it, there have been times recently where I've felt too stressed and contemplated going on short term leave, however this would result in lower pay, something that we can't afford right now. It's expensive with two kids in college and a mortgage still to pay.

I charge my oldest daughter who is working full time, a small amount of rent, she's living at home still, but won't be too much longer. I've suggested to my husband that he look into renting out our son's room to generate extra income. It's the least he can do if he's not working to his full potential.

He's been wonderful in helping my Dad to sell his house and move etc. He's not a lazy person. Just misdirected. I really don't know how to wake him up anymore. I'm really worried about the impact this is having on our marriage. We've tried counselling but it hasn't really helped. The counsellor asked me (privately) if I felt taken advantage of and I said, yeah, I guess I do.

I just want him to do what he needs to do to shift the balance back to a more normal position so that I don't feel just like a caretaker. I want to get my mojo back and feel more like his partner and wife again, not his mother, caretaker, sugar mama, whatever.

So any words of wisdom to share with me internets? I'm all ears.

How it all began ...

Pool Boy calls me from Costco yesterday, telling me that they've reduced the price of one of their big screen TV's by $300.

Sounds good, but heellllo?... we don't have the money for the first $1500!!!

It really annoys me that I have to be the spending police in this regard.

He should know himself. He doesn't contribute financially to a great extent to this household. The burden all falls back on me.

This is the root of my unstable mood which has been building for two years now. Oh and my mother passing away near the beginning of that two years hasn't helped, but it's not the sole cause of any depression I may be battling.

I used to use shopping therapy to help me out of any depressed states, but no longer. I have cut back all my shopping to nil. I don't even go out anymore unless it's to work or walk the dog or visit Dad or my sisters.

I use blogging as my escape and he gets mad about that.

Hello? You do not contribute significantly to our household finances, you've seen me cut back on our spending so much (including getting rid of our housecleaner) and you have the nerve to complain about my blogging, my only outlet and pleasure???

You're really starting to piss me off.

Oh yeah, and during my spare time on weekends I'm supposed to get jiggy with doing the deep cleaning in this house.

I feel miserable.

He is a good guy and has a lot of good qualities. I will post a retort to this later. In the meantime I just need to get this off my chest.

I hope this is the beginning of me holding back no longer.

The Inaugural Post

This blog is for me.

To write. To vent. To question. To cry.

Kinda private stuff. At least too private for my main blog. None of my family members reads it anyways so what does it really matter?

I guess it matters to me.

Not sure how this is gonna go. Am I really going to open myself up? Speak my mind?

Dunno.

I'd like to, if it would help. Maybe I just need to get things outa my mind and putting them here will do that.

We'll see.

I'm going to use this as a form of self help therapy. I'm not getting a lot out of my current therapy sessions and they are due to run out soon (supposed to be only short term under my company health plan - *gripe*).

If you read this and feel like giving advice, go for it. Empathy works too. Telling me to shut the fuck up and suck it up might be what I need, but please be gentle, though I do know I may need to hear that sometimes.

Enough. Nothing worse than long extended rants. I will try to keep these posts short and to the point. If I can't then they will be broken up into parts a, b and c. I am super problem solver, hear me roar!

Does anyone want to listen?