It has taken me a long time to get back to this blog for a few reasons, namely:
- he read it
- generally things are still the same, but there are a few small things that have happened which are moving us forward which is good and I will go into in the next post.
First point - I was shocked. After begging him to read my blog for the last year which apparently he never did, he ended up on this one. Not sure what to believe. Was he actually reading it but not letting on?
Blogging was my new found joy, something that made me a little happier, let me play and use humour and didn't cost any money. You now, like shopping therapy. I don't do that anymore because we're watching our costs. I also wanted to use blogging as a form of therapy to vent, in a reasonable way. We can't vent about our jobs too much, nor really personal life issues, but sometimes there are things that we can write down, and feel better getting it out in the process.
I must admit, even getting some hugs and suggestions on this blog has helped me. It feels good to know that I'm not alone. Sometimes I would share these things with my Mum but I can't anymore. I miss her so much. That was another reason for blogging. I have shared with my friends, it helps a bit too, but sometimes things that are so personal you don't want to share with people in real life. It almost helps doing it to people that you don't know, except through the internet. Do you know what I mean? Thanks for your support, internets.
Yet he found no joy in my new habit. He would complain about it constantly. Said I was spending too much time at it. I would try to talk to him about something funny I read or wrote and he would passively listen but not much more. I felt unsupported yet again. And no where to turn.
I tried to cut back but felt lost. What else was I to do with my little bit of spare time? I continue to work very hard at a demanding job so when I come home I'm beat. I tried to focus a bit on the house. Short term feel good but no joy overall. Just further feelings of resentment. Also because I didn't have enough time to do things to my level of satisfaction (yeah I am a bit of a perfectionist), I never really felt that good about it, except for over Christmas, where I had time to focus on it more. A little bit of 'woe is me' there so please feel free to tell me off if you think I'm being a big baby.
So I continued to blog. He never read it so sharing with him became pointless. I started this blog and just as I was warming up to get me real worries and concerns down, he emails me, telling me he saw this and we should prepare to separate.
That's not what I want. I want him to work and make money. To be able to hire a housekeeper again. To be able to take vacations instead of staying home and cleaning for my vacation. I want to get our marriage back to what it was which was wonderful. I can't do it on my own.
First I was really annoyed to find out he read this. Really, really, really annoyed. Really.pissed.off. How can he, after so long of ignoring my repeated requests for a number of things to change, to share with me something that makes me happy, when pretty much everything else (it feels) these days is making me sad?
He says he came across it while looking for my email address to send me some pictures of the dog or something. Like I believe that. I'd like to but I can't. Trust is broken. I feel like the stupidest person because at first I wanted to believe that. He said he is not reading my blog anymore because it is too hurtful. Yah, so what. I couldn't care one way or the other at this point. He doesn't share in the joy of it with me so him reading it or not is dead to me.
The bottom line is things have to change. If they don't then we will deal with that. I hope they do. More on what has changed so far next.